Tag: Step 9

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THE TWELVE STEPS TO VICTORY™ || Step Nine || Taking Responsibility with Grace

In The Twelve Steps to Victory column, we’re reframing the traditional 12 Steps with a focus on victory vs continually looking back at our missteps and failures. Each Step aligns with the months on the yearly calendar. This series publishes on the first Friday of each month in 2025.

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, realizing that victory requires responsibility. ~ Step 9

There’s a unique ache that comes from knowing we’ve wounded someone we love. Whether it was a harsh word spoken in anger, a betrayal rooted in fear, or years of distance from pride—we carry that pain like a stone in our soul.

But God, in His kindness, does not ask us to ignore it or be crushed by it. Instead, He invites us to take responsibility—with grace.

In Step 9, we move beyond internal confession (Step 5) and readiness (Step 8) into relational restoration. This is where healing begins to ripple outward—when we humbly make amends for the harm we’ve caused, not to demand forgiveness, but to reflect the heart of Jesus.

The Heart of God in Restoration

God is always drawing His people toward reconciliation. Jesus said:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,
leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
— Matthew 5:23–24 NIV

The Lord cares so deeply about broken relationships that He prioritizes restoration even above worship rituals. That’s how sacred amends are to Him.

But God also understands that not all situations are safe. Step 9 includes a key phrase: “except when to do so would injure them or others.”
This isn’t a loophole—it’s a call for Spirit-led wisdom.

Grace-Filled Responsibility

Making amends isn’t about groveling or trying to fix people’s memories. It’s about being obedient to God and honest about our part. That’s why this step requires courage, humility, and grace.

It is not:

    • A demand to be forgiven
    • A way to manipulate or justify past behavior
    • A quick fix for lingering shame

It is:

    • An act of obedience
    • A demonstration of maturity
    • A channel of peace for your soul

Sometimes the most gracious thing we can do is live differently moving forward—especially if direct contact would be harmful.

Real-Life Examples of Making Amends

    • In person – A heartfelt apology with no excuses: “I know I hurt you, and I’m truly sorry.”
    • In writing – A letter to someone who won’t speak with you, or who has passed away, can bring release.
    • Through action – Ongoing changed behavior can be a living amends that speaks louder than words.

Zacchaeus stood and said, ‘Look, Lord! Here and now, I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody…I will pay back four times the amount. — Luke 19:8 NIV

Peace in Obedience, Not Outcomes

Not every door will swing open. Some people won’t accept your apology. Some won’t believe your change. And some may never respond at all.

But victory is not measured by their response.
It’s measured by your obedience.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. — Romans 12:18 NIV

Closing Encouragement

God sees your willingness. He honors your humility.
And when you take responsibility with grace, you reflect Jesus—who took responsibility for sins He didn’t even commit, all for the sake of reconciliation.

He is your model.
He is your strength.
He is your peace.

As we reflect on what it means to take responsibility with grace, we must remember that our healing and hope don’t come from our efforts—they flow from the holiness and mercy of God. Even when we fall short, He remains faithful. The following worship video, “Holy Forever” by Chris Tomlin, lifts our eyes from the weight of our past to the beauty of His presence. Let these lyrics wash over you as a reminder: the One who calls us to restoration is holy, loving, and forever worthy of our trust.

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RESTRAIN YOUR SPEECH

In observance of my Benedictine Monastic practices, on the last Friday of each month in 2019 we’re walking Saint Benedict’s 12 Steps of Humility. With each step we come closer to our spiritual transformation and the perfect love of God.

The ninth step of humility is that a monk restrains their speech, not speaking until an answer is required. ~ The Rule of Benedict

Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. ~ Proverbs 10:19 (The Message)

 

1500 hundred years ago Benedict of Nursia wrote his rule for the small group of monks who resided with him about 80 miles south of Rome in a monastery called Monte Cassino. Quite unlike our modern life today, these monks lived extremely simple lives that revolved around worship, work and study.

In those days the monk’s primary focus was spending contemplative time with God while also performing their daily duties. But they had one challenge: other people were around all the time. So Benedict wrote these rules to manage their community life and all things that entailed.

This particular step of humility is usually directed at our need to be quiet and respectful around others. But it could just as easily be applied to our relationship to our Heavenly Father.

Like me, I’m sure when you’re trying to have a time of contemplation with God, there seems to always come an interruption of some sort… whether it’s the internal monkey-mind chattering away or a physical distraction that occurs.

“To listen closely, with every fiber of our being, at every moment of the day, is one of the most difficult things in the world, and yet it is essential if we mean to find the God whom we are seeking.” ~ Esther de Waal

Like most people when we’re trying to communicate with someone, we expect them to have proper manners, to restrain their speech, give us their eyes and listen. God isn’t any different. He wants our undivided attention when He’s trying to speak to us. However, we rarely give Him the respect due Him… to stop rambling on about our needs and wants, close our mouth, be still and  listen.

I don’t know about you, but I really struggle in this area. I’m often too quick to speak and too slow to listen when it comes to my conversations with others and especially in my devotional time with God.

Take a few moments to practice the art of contemplative listening to God with this great song by Chris McClarney below:

“I don’t wanna miss one word You speak

Cause everything You say is life to me

I don’t wanna miss one word You speak

Quiet my heart, I’m listening…”  ~Chris McClarney