Category: Spiritual Growth

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Pressing Through Transition

Transition… for me is a dreaded thing. Which according to some is then sinful because you’re in a state of worry vs. trust and contentment. I’ve been through so many transitions in my 51 years, but especially the last 4 years, that one would think I would have gotten used to it. Granted some transitions have come easier than others, but I must say, this one has and continues to be the hardest in recent memory.

In the early days of our marriage, Bill was busy climbing the corporate ladder, which has it’s own transition challenges — changing jobs within the same company, changing companies or moving from one city to another, each taking their toll on the family in various ways. In those days, I was busy homeschooling young children so I had a lot to distract me, but it was still always stressful adjusting to the new schedule, the rhythm of the new home, making new friends and finding a church home.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why this one has been more difficult. I don’t think it’s just leaving Texas, because we lived in Louisiana from July 2006 to August 2007. I don’t recall being homesick for The Lone Star state then like I am now. Maybe deep down, I knew it wasn’t permanent. And besides, Texas was right next door. We could visit easily if we had a mind to.
We were watching the TV Mini-series Lonesome Dove a couple of weeks ago, and all of a sudden it struck me, I’m not a Texan anymore! A sadness came over me like I’ve never felt before. I never realized how much, Texas was a part of me personally. Strange. Now I’m a California Girl?? Doesn’t even look right.

Then there’s the new home adjustment. What is it that causes a particular dwelling to have specific rhythms about it? Other houses and apartments, we would get moved in, and it’s like I belonged there all along. I’d roll into the rhythm with barely a hic-cup. But this house, is different. I just can’t seem to feel at home. I can’t get warm, or feel cozy.

The biggest struggle no doubt, has been missing my friends and family who are spread across the country. I have some wonderful friends but for some reason I hate making new friends. What is it? The starting over process… the possibility of rejection-that maybe no one will want to be my friend? I don’t know. At one time, I had to start the process with the people who are currently my friends, what’s different now? Is it part of this season of life? 50’s? Wouldn’t it be nice, if with the new job and new home you had a package deal — a new church with new friends already picked out for you… seems like a good idea. Well, anyway, enough conjecture… This week I finally found a women’s bible study that starts Feb. 3rd. When the leader called me back in response to my email, she told me about he own difficulties of getting adjusted when she moved here. So maybe, God has already found my new friend for me. What to do until then??

Well… thankfully, today, I found the box with my Joyce Meyer collection of videos and cd’s! Praise God! Joyce to the rescue once again! I know what I will be doing for the next few days, soaking up a good dose of “Grow up!” from Joyce. I’ll feel much better in no time.

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Feeling Good!

As with most addicts I’ve struggled with a true sense of feeling most of my life. Growing up in a dysfunctional home environment where feelings are rarely if ever discussed, can cause great problems and confusion. You have feelings, but because your feelings are seemingly unimportant to anyone else, to have feelings must be bad, so you learn to stuff the feelings down until eventually you’re numb. For the feelings you can’t numb by stuffing there’s self-medication, for me it was with drugs of all sorts, alcohol, and any sexual relationship I could find.

I lived the better part of 50 years unable to decipher within myself certain feelings. Until October 2004 when Bill and I went to a couple’s seminar on intimacy in marriage. During the seminar, the couples had to do a “Feelings” exercise, where we would look over a list of words that describe different feelings: sad, angry, disappointed, joyful, excited, etc… In the exercise we were to choose a feeling word, describe a time before the age of 18 when we felt that feeling, then describe a time after the age of 18 when we felt that same feeling. I can’t recall what feeling word I chose, all I remember was my mind freezing, my throat choking up and a panic coming over me as I was thinking how to describe this feeling. I couldn’t get words out of my mouth. What was this? It was such a simple exercise, but it had shut me down. Gradually, after a few minutes I was able to come up with an answer, but I was sweating when I was done. I was in pain, I wanted to run but I couldn’t.

Over the last 4 years, Bill and I continued to do this exercise; not on a regular basis anymore, but in the early months of my recovery it was very important. God has done a remarkable thing in healing my ability to feel. So much so, that now, my feelings are out in the other direction. I can be walking through a super market and be overcome with such a sense of God’s love for people that I want to cry. Other days, I will be overcome with a deep sadness for the darkness people are lost in that I don’t know what to do to help them . It appears to be a double edged sword this thing called feeling. We either try to run from them because they are too much for us to handle or they become overwhelming because we can now feel them so strongly.

There are days that I can be walking my dogs and I look around at God’s creation with such a sense of love and appreciation for His goodness to us. This beautiful world — the sun, the sky, the trees, the birds, the fish, rivers… How can we ever doubt His presence and His great love for us?

I praise God, for the gift to feel deeply now. It has made me a better person and certainly a stronger Christian. I believe when we accept Christ as our Savior and are filled with the Holy Spirit, we are given the ability to see the world and feel in some ways what God feels for us. I am so thankful for the Truth of His grace and mercy. I don’t ever want to be numb to that again. It’s truly a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life for me and I’m feeling good!