Spiritual Growth – Page 33 – Reaching Hurting Women Ministries

September 27, 2012June 25, 2016

BONUS BOOK REVIEW: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography

A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography:

It’s Not Just a Guy’s Problem (Kindle Edition)

by Shelley Hitz and S’ambrosia Curtis

Body and Soul Publishing 2012

146pp

I like how social media makes it so easy to get connected to new people, especially those who are working toward the same goals! A few days ago, I was introduced, by way of Twitter, to Shelley Hitz. After we contacted each other, Shelley told me about her new book and asked if I could read it and post a review on my blog. I’m happy to support a fellow sister who has struggled with the same issues I have and is striving to help other women with their struggles, too.

Shelley and S’ambrosia have done an excellent job. By sharing personal stories in a delicate but transparent fashion, readers see they are not alone in this addiction. But the most important thing A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography is exactly what it’s title says… a guide that explains the problem of pornography addiction and then takes us step by step to the freedom found only in Jesus Chris.

These ladies have done their homework and I know because I’ve read nearly everything they reference. Shelley and S’ambrosia have filled this book with an incredible amount of research material explaining scientifically how harmful pornography is and what it does to our brain. But they don’t stop there, they lovingly give us answers to our pain and struggle.

If you or someone you know struggles with pornography, please don’t hesitate to get this book. In fact, every woman should read it, because chances are a woman you know is addicted to pornography. I’m excited to find Shelley Hitz and her ministry and am proud to partner with her in the fight against pornography and helping women who have been affected by it.

September 26, 2012June 25, 2016

HEALING HURTS :: 2 Steps to Overpower Anger

Can you hear the scream? How many times have you found yourself in this position?

There was a time in my life when I looked just like this photo. I was so full of anger that I couldn’t function normally. God showed me a vision of a volcano boiling deep inside my spirit; bubbling up and overflowing, the anger spewed out of my mouth with vulgar hateful words followed by actions that destroyed anything in my path.

On the surface my anger was directed mostly at God because my husband and I had been betrayed by some Christian friends. Below the surface I had unknown childhood hurts and wounds that fueled the raging fire I carried within. I managed my pain with substance abuse and other self-destructive behaviors which only fueled the fire. Soon my anger was out of control and so was my life. Then my loving Heavenly Father put me in a time out compliments of the county jail. It was the best thing that ever happened to me!

When anger runs our lives we are a danger to ourselves and to those around us. Uncontrolled anger is devastating and no one is exempt from its repercussions. It destroys marriages, shatters friendships, brings down businesses, breeds violence in our communities and war among nations.

There are many reasons to be angry today. Just watching the news can get tempers flaring. The world has us running hard and fast with emotions in a frenzied state. Millions are unemployed and those fortunate to have jobs are over committed, overworked and often underpaid. Many people are outraged with their corporate pensions slashed, homes lost, or suffering with painful debilitating illnesses.

Anger is an emotion that centers on getting control. With God’s hand seemingly absent we take over the situation. Anger clouds our judgment as we become consumed with problems and pain. Before we know it our anger escalates from a simmering indignation to a blazing rage.

What can we do to keep anger from taking control?

**2 Steps to Overpower Anger:

Ask yourself: Can I change the situation?
Take action: If you can change the situation, change it. If not, release it to God.

These steps may seem oversimplified but they are basic common sense. The challenge is dealing with our emotions. Once we can step back from the situation and remove our emotions, all we need to do is access the situation and our ability to change it. If we can’t change it the only thing left to do is give it to God.

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done. ~ James 1:19-20 (Contemporary English Version)

Acknowledging our powerlessness over situations we humbly go to God not demanding our rights but surrendering ourselves and the situation to God. We may feel powerless, but in fact we are the only one with the power to release our anger to God. No one else can do that for us. Once we release our anger God will give us the grace to overcome it.

In what recent situations have you struggled with anger?

How are you dealing with your anger?

Meditate on Surrender with Hillsong. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI&feature=colike

Resources
**Biblical Counseling Keys: Anger~Facing the Fire Within by June Hunt and Hope for the Heart

September 19, 2012June 25, 2016

Virtues ~n~ Vices :: FORGIVENESS

VIRTUE: a valued principle of good moral behavior; a holy habit.

forgiveness: the act of forgiving – to no longer feel resentment against an offender

VICE: a practice of wrongdoing, corruption of virtue, an unholy habit.

resentment: a sense of injury or insult regarding a person, an act or remark.

The process of forgiveness is neither simple nor painless. Before we can forgive others or ask others to forgive us, we must examine our relationship with God, accept the forgiveness He offers us and check if we have forgiven ourselves for wrongs we have committed.

Harboring unforgiveness, either against ourselves or others, blocks the Holy Spirit’s power in our lives. Sometimes it’s easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. I was told once when we refuse to forgive ourselves we are pridefully putting ourselves above God. Who are we not to forgive someone God has already forgiven? That puts forgiveness in a totally different perspective.

How do we forgive ourselves? Can we divide in two parts: one who bestows forgiveness and one who receives?

The essence of forgiveness concerns relationships not individuals. The process of forgiving ourselves takes place within our relationship with God. When we confess our wrongs to God and then receive the precious forgiveness He pours out on us we are cleansed of our wrongs and freed to no longer carry that burden.

Can we find freedom from the resentment we have for those who have hurt us?

It’s often said that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” When we hang on to resentment, rehashing and recycling old hurts and anger, we are harming ourselves. The family member that hurt your feelings ten years ago probably doesn’t think twice about you. They have no clue you were hurt and are going on with their life. Yet you rehearse the anger and self-pity daily to the point of illness.

We have to let go. The price is too high to not forgive! People who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. Studies show improved cardiovascular and nervous system function by those who forgive an offender. Forgiveness is not only powerful spiritually speaking but it is excellent for our health.

God forgave us so we too must forgive. God wants us to be healthy and happy and will give us the power to forgive if we put it in His hands. If we can see our offender as God does it makes it easier to let go of our pain. One of the best things we can do is start praying for our offender. As we do God can bring about healing in our wounded heart.

How can we know if we’ve truly forgiven someone?

Forgiveness requires hard work but it is possible. Forgiveness means that we aren’t going to let experiences from the past to control our future and keep us from the blessings God has for our lives. When we can honestly wish the best for the person who wronged us as God does for us, we are well on our way to true forgiveness.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the Lord forgave you. ~ Colossians 3:13

Contemplate Forgiveness as you watch this beautiful music video by @Matthew_West. http://youtu.be/VquoupNiypI

September 5, 2012June 25, 2016

Working the Steps: Step 9

Step 9:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 9 is a culmination of the forgiveness process: forgiving ourselves and others, receiving forgiveness from God and others. But before we can forgive ourselves fully, we must first acknowledge the pain others have suffered because of our actions. Once through this process we will be closer to our goal of peace with ourselves and peace with others.

By taking inventory with Step 4 we’ve purged our secrets and wrongs but maintained balance by looking for good as well. In Step 5 we pressed through the shame confessing our faults to another person. Now armed with the list of persons we harmed from Step 8, we prepare to personally make amends for the things we have done.

There are going to be people that we can’t make amends to for various reasons, but where possible we must take this important step. A commitment to changed behavior can be an acceptable substitute when personal contact to make amends isn’t appropriate.

While painful and difficult, the amends process is critical in the healing process. Prayerfully seek God’s wisdom and discernment before making amends. Phone calls and letters are perfectly acceptable ways of making contact when face to face isn’t possible.

Some basic guidelines:

Pray. Turn your anxiety over to God.
Keep a loving attitude toward yourself and the person you’re contacting.
Know what you want to say. Keep it simple. Avoid details.
Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t make it about them.
Manage your expectations regarding the other person’s response.

Remember God loves restoration. He will give you the right words and timing to say what needs to be said. Give it all to Him!

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. ~ Matthew 5:23-24

Let’s take amends Step by Step with @Bryan_Duncan http://youtu.be/swNgb9ya6WM

August 29, 2012June 25, 2016

Removing the Mask

For the last four weeks we’ve been focusing on learning to love and respect ourselves, make healing choices for our lives and preparing to make amends to those we’ve harmed. We’re going to wrap up this month by consolidating all these topics into one area that is definitely connected to all the above…

…hiding behind masks.

As the child of an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother I grew up to become an approval addicted people-pleaser with a very low self-esteem. My adolescent friends were all very bright students; always reading books I’d never heard of, talking about philosophy and involved with intellectual and artistic endeavors. Books weren’t really read in my home, much less having conversations about them.

Constantly comparing myself to others while feeling totally unworthy, I looked for love and validation in all the wrong ways. I found it easy to slide behind a mask to be what I thought others wanted me to be in any environment whether at home, school or church.

We wear masks because we’ve never figured out who we are or we’re afraid others won’t accept us when they do. Either way, once we’re form fitted for our life mask it’s difficult to remove.

What does your mask look like? What does it say about who you really are?

Ms. Self-Sufficient: I don’t need anyone
Ms. Happy Go Lucky: not a care in the world
Ms. Unteachable: the know-it-all
Ms.Too Busy: the important person
Ms. Barbie Doll: the sexy girl
Ms. Country Club: the socialite

Our culture and even the church make it very difficult for us to not wear masks. No one really wants to see other people’s pain. We can watch the evening news for that. So it’s just easier to put on the “happy” face and sweep our troubles under the rug where even we don’t have to see them. The dangers of wearing masks is we start to believe the facade; we forget who we really are.

Are some masks alright? Must we remove all our masks?

The masks we need to remove are those that cause us to present a dishonest appearance to others. To do that we must start by being honest with ourselves; assessing how we are putting ourselves out there for others. Be willing to risk possible rejection by sharing our life and our struggles.

Sure not every person or even every situation calls for such transparency. But wearing a superficial mask all the time can prevent us from developing genuine relationships. We deny others the opportunity to encourage or be encouraged by us. Prayerfully we can ask God to put people in our path that can help us find our true selves, to press through the fear of rejection, open up and be real about our life today.

There’s freedom in honesty; it brings strong, long lasting relationships. The Christian Community should be the one place where we can remove our masks and be accepted for who we really are. But that’s not always the case. In fact, we are often judged more critically in church. With God’s help, we can courageously remove our prideful masks, stop trying to be the perfect “saint” and allow the world to see we are really not that different. It can allow us to show God’s power working in our lives.

To be relevant in our world we must stop pretending and face life with authenticity.

What can you do today to be true to yourself?

Don’t let the ideal of perfection rule you. You are free…
“Free To Be Me!” http://youtu.be/EKSQjSdU8VA

Resources:
Loving Yourself for God’s Sake by Adolfo Quezada

August 22, 2012June 25, 2016

Healing Hurts :: SELF-HATRED

This idea of Self-Hatred sounds strange when you think about it.

Who is going to admit, out loud, to another person, that they hate themselves? Some will, but not most. In fact, millions of women secretly do hate themselves.

OK, we may not hate everything about ourselves. But can you honestly say you like more about yourself that you dislike? There was a time when my answer to that question was definitely no.

Self-hate often starts in childhood with negative messages spoken or unspoken by our family of origin. The culture, media and our peers encourage this monster who whispers the negative, critical words we hear over and over in our minds. Guilt and shame top it off till we’re overwhelmed with emotions and feelings; the pain becomes so deep it’s impossible to express it in words.

Is there no relief? No release?

What we do with this insidious pain will vary.

How will you act out the negativity rolling around in your head?

For some their self-hatred takes on non-direct, often hidden behaviors like extreme risk-taking, substance abuse, eating disorders, gambling, and promiscuity. For others their self-hatred is more direct and visible with self-harm acted out by skin cutting, skin branding, hair pulling or other forms of self-injury.

What can we say to those we know and love who struggle with this increasingly popular practice?

How can we communicate to them that they truly deserve to be loved, not just by other people, but by God and most importantly by themselves?

Let’s start by watching these two videos below. I think they have all the answers we need.

God Loves YOU! http://youtu.be/aLHsQF131HQ

God Loves YOU! http://youtu.be/kcpQvqEVTlk

If you are reaching for hope and help, I urge you to contact a licensed Christian counselor in your area for personal assistance in overcoming this problem. If you don’t know where to find one, contact a pastor who can help you locate an expert. All the anxiety and problems you are facing can be overcome.

August 15, 2012June 25, 2016

Virtues ~n~ Vices :: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

VIRTUE: a valued principle of good moral behavior; a holy habit.

re-spect: noun 1. a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, their qualities or ability.

VICE: a practice of wrongdoing, corruption of virtue, an unholy habit.

con-tempt: noun 1. the state of being despised; dishonor; disgrace.

Our family of origin may not have practiced loving behavior. Parents, grandparents, or siblings might have said they loved us with words, but their actions were anything but loving. As a result we began to believe that we were less than valuable, unworthy of love, which led to self-disrespect

Negative self talk sets in and before long our own behavior becomes less than loving toward ourselves and others. Self-destructive habits take on varying forms: substance abuse, eating disorders, self-injury, etc…

At the root of these problems we find a simple lack of respect; which we were never properly taught to begin with. So maybe we can take a step back and learn something for ourselves that most likely our parents never learned for themselves.

The best place to start… The Beginning, with The Creator and His creation.

Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the people of the world revere him. ~ Psalm 33:8

Respect is godly and a form of reverence for God, the Creator of our universe and everything in it. If we can’t respect Him, we might as well give up. Respect should and must start here.

“We learn very early as we start to know who God is, that He respected us into existence by making us in His image and likeness. Knowing that love is the powerful flowing virtue that gives respect its strength, God’s love gave us breath and the right to be called his heirs and children. He expects us to reflect back to Him what He has given us as an act of reverence in gratitude for His gift of life. He is our sole reason for existence.” ~ Patty Woodmansee

God said His creations are good. Who are we to argue with God? If God said we are good, shouldn’t we believe Him? We must respect His creations and that includes ourselves!

Respect recognizes value. Before we can respect ourselves, another person or material things, we must recognize their value and acknowledge it with appropriate treatment.

Take These Few Steps to Respect Yourself:

Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Be honest, don’t harm or insult.
Recognize when others disrespect you. Don’t be afraid to take a stand for yourself.
Take care of your body. When you make an effort you always feel better about yourself.
Get to know yourself. Take time to be alone, find out what you enjoy, pray or meditate.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself! But first we must love God before we can even begin to love ourselves!

What will you do to show yourself love today?

Let’s Love God and Love People with Israel Houghton http://youtu.be/m_ywWqDa-aI

Resources:
Loving Yourself for God’s Sake by Adolfo Quezada
Christian Virtues by Patty Woodmansee
Wikipedia
Character-in-action.com
WikiHow.com
www.pickthebrain.com

August 8, 2012June 25, 2016

BOOK REVIEW :: Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn

Healing is a Choice:
Ten Decisions That Will Transform Your Life and
Ten Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them

by @SteveArterburn
Thomas Nelson Publishers 225pp

I had originally planned to review a different book for August, but had problems with the digital photo of the cover. So at the last minute before publishing my monthly preview, I decided, or rather, God decided, this was the book I was supposed to read. I’ve been reading Stephen Arterburn’s work for many years. His books always bring conviction and comfort and this one was no disappointment.

Let’s start with these challenging words from the author:

I am asking you to give up your life as you know it so that you can find the life God has for you. Take hold of your future today and make the choices that will lead to your healing. ~ Stephen Arterburn

With touching personal stories, Mr. Arterburn shows us why we should refuse the lies we’ve been believing and how to make needed changes that will bring healing if we choose to do the work. As always, it’s our choice whether we want to be healed or not.

Here is a sample:

The Choice to Connect Your Life: We must branch out from the “I only need God” mentality; take a healing risk to connect with others who can help us experience life to the fullest.
The Choice to Feel Your Life: We must press past the habit of numbing ourselves. Once we can define and acknowledge our feelings true healing can begin.
The Choice to Investigate Your Life in Search of Truth: Take an honest look at your life in the past, where you are today and where it is leading for the future.
The Choice to Heal Your Future: When we stop dragging our past into our future we lose weight that slows us down and can rob us of a healthy future.
The Choice to Help Your Life: By choosing to reach outside ourselves we can help ourselves have the life God desires for us.

Healing is a Choice is full of valuable information that can help anyone no matter the life situation. As I said before, Stephen Arterburn’s books always help me. Even when I wasn’t looking for help, God knew what I needed. You may think you’ve got life figured out, but God may surprise you like He did me.

Buy Healing is a Choice.

You won’t be sorry!

August 1, 2012June 25, 2016

Working the Steps: Step 8

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. ~ Step 8

In the previous steps we’ve been focusing on our own stuff. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our dependency. Step 2 and Step 3: We came to believe in God and made a decision to turn our will and lives over to Him. Step 4 and Step 5: After taking a fearless moral inventory we admitted our wrongs to God, ourselves and to another person. Step 6 and Step 7: We became ready for God to remove our character defects.

After all the searching and confessing it’s now time to take responsibility for our actions. Much like Step Four’s moral inventory, in Step 8 we will list all the persons we harmed when acting out in our addiction or dependency. In fact, using our inventory list can help us determine who belongs on our amends list.

Reliving past behaviors and looking honestly at how we have harmed others is hard work. But with God’s help we can recall the names and faces, making notes as thoroughly as possible we prayerfully examine each person and our relationship with them.

Three categories to consider how we may have caused harm to others:

Material Wrongs: Actions that affected an individual in a tangible way ( borrowing money not repaid, withholding money to gratify ourselves, damaging personal property, etc).

Moral Wrongs: Inappropriate behavior in a moral or ethical action or conduct (setting bad example for children, infidelity, broken promises, verbal abuse, lying, etc.).

Spiritual Wrongs: Neglecting our obligations to God, ourselves, our family, or community (avoiding self-development such as health, education, recreation, being inattentive to others in our lives)

Step 8 prepares us to continue the work of making amends. After making our list we are ready to ask God to give us the willingness to make those amends. As God helps us work these steps we will have the strength and the tools to heal our broken relationships.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. ~ Luke 6:31

Take this journey Step by Step with @Bryan_Duncan http://youtu.be/swNgb9ya6WM

Resource:
The Twelve Steps for Christians.

July 25, 2012June 25, 2016

Healing Hurts :: Creating a Healthy Self-Image

self-image:: noun

1. the idea, conception or mental image one has of oneself;

2. a mental picture that depicts how we believe others see us (height, weight, hair color, gender, etc.);

3. things learned by us about ourselves from personal experience or by internalizing the judgments of others.

Basically how do we answer this question:

What do I believe people think about me?

Many women, including myself, struggle with their self-image. Self-image can be about our body image or our self-esteem, either way they are both related. If we have a low self-esteem it will affect how we see our body image. If we have a poor body image we probably have a low self-esteem. Because they are so closely related, by working on one we help both.

As I was preparing this column the research material seemed to go on and on… blog columns galore, endless books and YouTube videos. It was overwhelming and shows how rampant the problem is not only in the world at large but in the Christian church, too.

Here are some shocking female body image statistics:

7 out of 10 women get depressed and angry when looking at thin female fashion models.
2 out of 5 women would give up 3-5 years of their life if they could reach their goal weight.
In the U.S. approximately 7 million girls and women experience eating disorders.
51% of girls between 9-10 yrs old say they feel better about themselves when dieting.
80% of women when asked are dissatisfied with their own appearance.
88% of girls admitted they feel a need to “look perfect.”
Young girls are more afraid of getting fat than nuclear war, cancer or losing their parents.

Culture Beauty Standards Then and Now

In 1917 the “perfect” woman was 5’4″ and weighed 140 pounds.
Today’s average fashion model is 5’11” and weighs 115 pounds.
Beauties of yesteryear like Marilyn Monroe would be considered fat by today’s standards.
Today the average American woman is 5″4 and 140 lbs

Poor self-image can be the result of many things:

Criticisms – Accumulated through childhood from parents or peers.
Personality type – Type A personalities are prone to perfectionism and over achieving.
Media influence – Television, magazines, billboards, Internet all push the “perfect look.”

The technical term for self-image used by psychologists is “self-schema.” A schema by definition is a diagram, plan, conceptual framework, or underlying structure. If our schema, our underlying structure is built on what we believe the opinion others have of us, what a shaky foundation that is!

Is their hope for change? As with most struggles the first things we must check is our inputs.

What ‘s influencing our relationships, our lifestyle, our relationship with God?

What’s holding our framework together today? The opinions of others or the Truth of God’s Word?

Are we maintaining our self-image at the cost of putting others down in our mind?

What image are we projecting, the happy mask or the reality of who God made us to be.

If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself! I challenge you to take note of every negative or anxious thought you have about your body over the course of one full day. You may be shocked at how mean you are to yourself. Stop the meanness! You deserve better than that.

Let my words and my thoughts be pleasing to You, Lord, because You are my mighty rock and my protector. ~ Psalm 19:14 CEV

To reprogram our minds we must replace old thoughts with new ones. Take the anxious negative thoughts you have about yourself and turn them around. Create a series of affirmations and resolve to use them throughout the day. Print them on 3 x 5 cards and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Read them out loud with enthusiasm and positive emotions. I know it’s hard, believe me. But you can do it, and with practice it gets easier and easier! Here are a few that have helped me over the years:

I like myself!
I am a positive person and I have a positive life.
I am loved by others, valuable, smart and creative.

Remember, God doesn’t make junk! When He created man and woman God said, “It is good.” When we put ourselves down or wish we looked differently we are insulting the Creator of this universe. He made us the way we are for a reason. If we all looked the same what a boring world it would be!

How to Love The Body You Have Today

Silence your inner “mean girl!”
Stop comparing yourself to others.
Celebrate your body for the marvelous things it can do.
Stop weighing yourself. Focus on how your clothes fit and how you feel.
Surround yourself with people who have healthy relationships with their bodies.
Nurture your inner self with bubble baths, massages, prayer, meditation, inspirational reading.