Category: Addiction Recovery

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Virtues ~n~ Vices :: DETERMINATION


VIRTUE: a valued principle of good moral behavior; a holy habit.

determination : a firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired end.



VICE: a practice of wrong doing, corruption of virtue; an unholy habit.

procrastination : the act or habit of procrastinating, putting off or delaying.

Starting in 2006, my husband’s new business consulting company took us on a cross country adventure. From the Gulf Coast to the Pacific and back again, we moved eight times in four years. In 2009, after growing many other people’s businesses, Bill decided to start his own. So thankfully, in 2010 God brought us back to Texas!

As you can imagine, starting a new business is quite painful. It requires a commitment to long hours, courage to do the seemingly impossible and dedication to the long-term goal; all which my precious husband has. I, on the other hand, have the simple job of supporting him… simple but not always easy. 

This calendar year has been one of the toughest for me for various reason. I’ve struggled with courage, patience, hope and faith… all the required ingredients for Determination.
I like how we discussed the Virtue of Determination in my church class last year. Specifically because Determination didn’t stand alone but was taught along with Diligence and Perseverance. What I found most interesting was how they were linked together. But first let’s look at their working definitions:

DETERMINATION is looking at insurmountable obstacles as opportunities to cry out for God’s supernatural intervention. It requires patience, hope, discernment, courage and faith while remaining committed over a long period of time.

DILIGENCE accepts each task as a special assignment from the Lord and uses all energies to do it quickly and skillfully. Diligence is duty bound. It requires deep faith during trials, courage against despair, patience in strife and mirth to stay balanced.

PERSEVERANCE is the steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose. It says, “Yes” to a vital cause, refusing to take no for an answer. It may fall down but always gets back up. 


Like I said before, what I found most interesting was how these three virtues are linked together, how they blend and build each other up…


DETERMINATION is the cognitive decision to tackle an obstacle. 

DILIGENCE is the action walking out that decision. 

PERSEVERANCE is the energy that drives the action.

                                   …All three critical ingredients to successfully completing a goal.


Certainly the last three and a half years starting our business has been a daily exercise in Determination. However for me personally, the last calendar year has been one of the most difficult. It hasn’t been so much about faith in God to provide, because He has come through in the most incredible ways time and again, meeting all our needs. 

Rather, my challenges have been with living out what I know God has called me to do in ministry to reach hurting women with the freedom I have found in Jesus Christ. 

When I get discouraged because I can’t see a clear plan for what I’m supposed to do, I have to be determined to press through procrastination and answer the call. But that determination must be driven and energized by perseverance so I will diligently study each week and continue to write for my blog while I wait to see God’s greater purpose.

So don’t lose your confidence. It will bring you a great reward. You need endurance so that after you have done what God wants you to do, you can receive what he has promised. ~ Hebrews 10:35-36


How do you struggle with determination? What keeps you moving to your goal?

Let’s be determined together and Press On  http://youtu.be/_Bg2cJ5bw2k


Resources:

Christian Virtue by Patty Woodmansee
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BOOK REVIEW: Relentless ~ The Power You Need to Never Give Up by John Bevere



RELENTLESS:

The Power You Need To Never Give Up

by @JohnBevere


WaterBrook Press December 2011

237 pp

In Relentless John Bevere challenges us take our faith to another level. Many Christians aren’t walking in the Power available to them through the life-changing Grace of God through Jesus Christ. Why? Because they are unaware.

My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 TEV

“If you look up this verse in a red-letter edition of the Bible, where all words spoken by Jesus are in read and all others are in black, you’ll see that the words above are not black. They’re red. So although these words are reported by the apostle Paul, they are not his words–they are straight from the Lord Himself. God defines His grace as his empowerment. Yet according to a survey, only 2 percent of U.S. Christians know and understand this.” ~John Bevere

This was eye opening for me! How can so many Christians be unaware of the authority and power they have in Christ. Through personal stories and Scripture John dissects the true grace of God and shows us how it can bring us the power we desperately need to live in our world today.

Relentless by John Bevere is a must read for serious believers. It’s an easy, enjoyable read that delivers on content while supplying the tools we need to reach our goal.

“God doesn’t author hardship but uses it to strengthen us for greater conquests. He never leads us into a storm that He doesn’t give us the power to overcome.” ~ John Bevere, Relentless

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Working the Steps :: STEP 10

Step 10:  We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:12

Life is a process of growing, changing and hopefully maintaining.  Step 10 is the beginning of our maintenance work, essentially reviewing Steps Four through Nine. Daily we examine our lives: the good and the not so good, admit our wrongs when necessary, and make amends promptly. But to do this properly we must be attentive to our words and actions at all times.

We can’t run on autopilot anymore. Self-awareness is critical.  It’s all too easy to numb out of reality. With overwhelming amounts of media at our fingertips, self-control and discipline are required to reel ourselves back in. While staying attentive to the present we measure our words and behavior not to the world’s standards but to God’s moral code.

Humility is key to recovery. We must take care to not become over confident. Our flaws and defects are healed only to the degree that we recognize them and submit them to God’s power. Aware of our weaknesses we walk gently through life, carefully planting seeds for our future with healthy behavior today. When we don’t tell lies today-we won’t have to lie tomorrow. By not taking advantage of people today-we won’t have to deal with anger tomorrow.

Step 10 alerts us to the pain we’ve caused others and urges us to apologize quickly. Admitting mistakes as we make them isn’t easy. However, because we have turned it all over to God, every step is accomplished with and through His strength and not our own. We can trust Him to give us the self-awareness to recognize mistakes and the humility that won’t protect our self-image when amends are required.

Some find it useful to have a chart of personal weaknesses and strengths to check off each day before bed. By mentally reviewing our day we can decide if an event caused uncomfortable feelings. Below is a helpful acronym to inventory our actions or words: 

T  Was it Thoughtful?
H  Was it Honest?
I   Was it Intelligent?
N  Was it Necessary?
K  Was it Kind?

What helps you to apply the steps when life gets tough? 

I hope you enjoy the theme song I’ve chosen for our journey: Step by Step by @Bryan_Duncan http://youtu.be/swNgb9ya6WM

Resources:

Life Recovery Devotional
Life Recovery Bible
The Twelve Steps for Christians
Paths to Recovery-Al-Anon Steps, Traditions and Concepts
Recovery: The Twelve Steps as Spiritual Practice 


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BONUS BOOK REVIEW: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography




A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography:

It’s Not Just a Guy’s Problem (Kindle Edition)

by Shelley Hitz and S’ambrosia Curtis

Body and Soul Publishing 2012
146pp
I like how social media makes it so easy to get connected to new people, especially those who are working toward the same goals!  A few days ago, I was introduced, by way of Twitter, to Shelley Hitz. After we contacted each other, Shelley told me about her new book and asked if I could read it and post a review on my blog. I’m happy to support a fellow sister who has struggled with the same issues I have and is striving to help other women with their struggles, too. 
Shelley and S’ambrosia have done an excellent job. By sharing personal stories in a delicate but transparent fashion, readers see they are not alone in this addiction. But the most important thing A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography is exactly what it’s title says… a guide that explains the problem of pornography addiction and then takes us step by step to the freedom found only in Jesus Chris. 
These ladies have done their homework and I know because I’ve read nearly everything they reference. Shelley and S’ambrosia have filled this book with an incredible amount of research material explaining scientifically how harmful pornography is and what it does to our brain. But they don’t stop there, they lovingly give us answers to our pain and struggle.
If you or someone you know struggles with pornography, please don’t hesitate to get this book. In fact, every woman should read it, because chances are a woman you know is addicted to pornography. I’m excited to find Shelley Hitz and her ministry and am proud to partner with her in the fight against pornography and helping women who have been affected by it. 
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HEALING HURTS :: 2 Steps to Overpower Anger

Can you hear the scream?  How many times have you found yourself in this position?


There was a time in my life when I looked just like this photo. I was so full of anger that I couldn’t function normally. God showed me a vision of a volcano boiling deep inside my spirit; bubbling up and overflowing, the anger spewed out of my mouth with vulgar hateful words followed by actions that destroyed anything in my path. 



On the surface my anger was directed mostly at God because my husband and I had been betrayed by some Christian friends. Below the surface I had unknown childhood hurts and wounds that fueled the raging fire I carried within. I managed my pain with substance abuse and other self-destructive behaviors which only fueled the fire. Soon my anger was out of control and so was my life. Then my loving Heavenly Father put me in a time out compliments of the county jail. It was the best thing that ever happened to me!


When anger runs our lives we are a danger to ourselves and to those around us. Uncontrolled anger is devastating and no one is exempt from its repercussions. It destroys marriages, shatters friendships, brings down businesses, breeds violence in our communities and war among nations.


There are many reasons to be angry today. Just watching the news can get tempers flaring. The world has us running hard and fast with emotions in a frenzied state. Millions are unemployed and those fortunate to have jobs are over committed, overworked and often underpaid.  Many people are outraged with their corporate pensions slashed, homes lost, or suffering with painful debilitating illnesses.


Anger is an emotion that centers on getting control. With God’s hand seemingly absent we take over the situation. Anger clouds our judgment as we become consumed with problems and pain. Before we know it our anger escalates from a simmering indignation to a blazing rage.


What can we do to keep anger from taking control?

**2 Steps to Overpower Anger:

  1. Ask yourself: Can I change the situation?
  2. Take action:  If you can change the situation, change it. If not, release it to God.

These steps may seem oversimplified but they are basic common sense. The challenge is dealing with our emotions. Once we can step back from the situation and remove our emotions, all we need to do is access the situation and our ability to change it. If we can’t change it the only thing left to do is give it to God.

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done. ~ James 1:19-20 (Contemporary English Version)

Acknowledging our powerlessness over situations we humbly go to God not demanding our rights but surrendering ourselves and the situation to God. We may feel powerless, but in fact we are the only one with the power to release our anger to God. No one else can do that for us. Once we release our anger God will give us the grace to overcome it. 

In what recent situations have you struggled with anger? 


How are you dealing with your anger?



Meditate on Surrender with Hillsong. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI&feature=colike


Resources
**Biblical Counseling Keys: Anger~Facing the Fire Within by June Hunt and Hope for the Heart

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Virtues ~n~ Vices :: FORGIVENESS


VIRTUE: a valued principle of good moral behavior; a holy habit.


forgiveness:  the act of forgiving – to no longer feel resentment against an offender

VICE: a practice of wrongdoing, corruption of virtue, an unholy habit.


resentment: a sense of injury or insult regarding a person, an act or remark.

The process of forgiveness is neither simple nor painless. Before we can forgive others or ask others to forgive us, we must examine our relationship with God, accept the forgiveness He offers us and check if we have forgiven ourselves for wrongs we have committed.

Harboring unforgiveness, either against ourselves or others, blocks the Holy Spirit’s power in our lives. Sometimes it’s easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. I was told once when we refuse to forgive ourselves we are pridefully putting ourselves above God. Who are we not to forgive someone God has already forgiven? That puts forgiveness in a totally different perspective.

How do we forgive ourselves? Can we divide in two parts: one who bestows forgiveness and one who receives? 

The essence of forgiveness concerns relationships not individuals. The process of forgiving ourselves takes place within our relationship with God. When we confess our wrongs to God and then receive the precious forgiveness He pours out on us we are cleansed of our wrongs and freed to no longer carry that burden.

Can we find freedom from the resentment we have for those who have hurt us? 


It’s often said that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” When we hang on to resentment, rehashing and recycling old hurts and anger, we are harming ourselves. The family member that hurt your feelings ten years ago probably doesn’t think twice about you. They have no clue you were hurt and are going on with their life. Yet you rehearse the anger and self-pity daily to the point of illness.

We have to let go. The price is too high to not forgive! People who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. Studies show improved cardiovascular and nervous system function by those who forgive an offender. Forgiveness is not only powerful spiritually speaking but it is excellent for our health.

God forgave us so we too must forgive.  God wants us to be healthy and happy and will give us the power to forgive if we put it in His hands. If we can see our offender as God does it makes it easier to let go of our pain. One of the best things we can do is start praying for our offender. As we do God can bring about healing in our wounded heart.

How can we know if we’ve truly forgiven someone?


Forgiveness requires hard work but it is possible. Forgiveness means that we aren’t going to let experiences from the past to control our future and keep us from the blessings God has for our lives. When we can honestly wish the best for the person who wronged us as God does for us, we are well on our way to true forgiveness.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the Lord forgave you. ~ Colossians 3:13

Contemplate Forgiveness as you watch this beautiful music video by @Matthew_West.   http://youtu.be/VquoupNiypI

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BOOK REVIEW

Healing the Shame That Binds You

by John Bradshaw

Health Communications, Inc.
1988 Revised 2005
315 pp

 

 

John Bradshaw is a NY Times Best Selling Author, Educator, Philosopher, Theologian, Lecturer, Counselor, Emotional Health and Addiction Recovery Specialist. In 1999 he was selected by his fellow mental health professionals as one of the 100 Most Influential Writers on Emotional Health in the Twentieth Century. His insights on childhood and family relationships and the effects of issues like abuse, addiction, co-dependency and trauma have helped millions of people including myself.

I first read Healing the Shame That Binds You in 2006 when I was in the early stages of sobriety. I was terribly confused about my internal pain, why I had acted the way I did, why I destroyed my family and nearly myself. John Bradshaw’s book answered many of those questions, helped me better understand my family of origin and how it affected me as a child, adolescent and adult.

Quick disclaimer: this book isn’t written from a Christian worldview but that doesn’t preclude the information from being critical to healing. Poignantly, Mr. Bradshaw shares much of his own story… a recovering alcoholic, abandoned by his father at a young age and later sexually abused by a Catholic priest, this author personally understands the pain and torment toxic shame causes.

Healing the Shame That Binds You is extremely well written and easy to read with great charts and graphs that explain the challenging topics. But don’t mistake the ease of reading for fast processing. Those struggling with emotional wounds can expect this read to be slow and probably painful.

If you or someone you know is in the early stages of addiction recovery, have been abused or traumatized at any time in life, please consider this book. Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw is one of the most important books for emotional healing.

Here is a sample of John Bradshaw’s teaching on YouTube. http://youtu.be/sr1vq5CfUYU

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Working the Steps: Step 9

Step 9:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

Step 9 is a culmination of the forgiveness process: forgiving ourselves and others, receiving forgiveness from God and others. But before we can forgive ourselves fully, we must first acknowledge the pain others have suffered because of our actions. Once through this process we will be closer to our goal of peace with ourselves and peace with others.

By taking inventory with Step 4 we’ve purged our secrets and wrongs but maintained balance by looking for good as well. In Step 5 we pressed through the shame confessing our faults to another person. Now armed with the list of persons we harmed from Step 8, we prepare to personally make amends for the things we have done.  

There are going to be people that we can’t make amends to for various reasons, but where possible we must take this important step.  A commitment to changed behavior can be an acceptable substitute when personal contact to make amends isn’t appropriate.

While painful and difficult, the amends process is critical in the healing process. Prayerfully seek God’s wisdom and discernment before making amends. Phone calls and letters are perfectly acceptable ways of making contact when face to face isn’t possible.

Some basic guidelines:

  • Pray. Turn your anxiety over to God.
  • Keep a loving attitude toward yourself and the person you’re contacting.
  • Know what you want to say. Keep it simple. Avoid details.
  • Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t make it about them.
  • Manage your expectations regarding the other person’s response. 

Remember God loves restoration.  He will give you the right words and timing to say what needs to be said. Give it all to Him!

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. ~ Matthew 5:23-24


 Let’s take amends Step by Step with @Bryan_Duncan http://youtu.be/swNgb9ya6WM

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Removing the Mask

For the last four weeks we’ve been focusing on learning to love and respect ourselves, make healing choices for our lives and preparing to make amends to those we’ve harmed.  We’re going to wrap up this month by consolidating all these topics into one area that is definitely connected to all the above… 

…hiding behind masks.

As the child of an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother I grew up to become an approval addicted people-pleaser with a very low self-esteem. My adolescent friends were all very bright students; always reading books I’d never heard of, talking about philosophy and involved with intellectual and artistic endeavors. Books weren’t really read in my home, much less having conversations about them.

Constantly comparing myself to others while feeling totally unworthy, I looked for love and validation in all the wrong ways. I found it easy to slide behind a mask to be what I thought others wanted me to be in any environment whether at home, school or church.

We wear masks because we’ve never figured out who we are or we’re afraid others won’t accept us when they do. Either way, once we’re form fitted for our life mask it’s difficult to remove.

What does your mask look like? What does it say about who you really are?

  • Ms. Self-Sufficient: I don’t need anyone
  • Ms. Happy Go Lucky: not a care in the world
  • Ms. Unteachable:  the know-it-all
  • Ms.Too Busy: the important person
  • Ms. Barbie Doll: the sexy girl
  • Ms. Country Club: the socialite

Our culture and even the church make it very difficult for us to not wear masks. No one really wants to see other people’s pain. We can watch the evening news for that. So it’s just easier to put on the “happy” face and sweep our troubles under the rug where even we don’t have to see them. The dangers of wearing masks is we start to believe the facade; we forget who we really are.

Are some masks alright? Must we remove all our masks?


The masks we need to remove are those that cause us to present a dishonest appearance to others. To do that we must start by being honest with ourselves; assessing how we are putting ourselves out there for others. Be willing to risk possible rejection by sharing our life and our struggles. 

Sure not every person or even every situation calls for such transparency. But wearing a superficial mask all the time can prevent us from developing genuine relationships. We deny others the opportunity to encourage or be encouraged by us. Prayerfully we can ask God to put people in our path that can help us find our true selves, to press through the fear of rejection, open up and be real about our life today.

There’s freedom in honesty; it brings strong, long lasting relationships. The Christian Community should be the one place where we can remove our masks and be accepted for who we really are. But that’s not always the case. In fact, we are often judged more critically in church. With God’s help,  we can courageously remove our prideful masks, stop trying to be the perfect “saint” and allow the world to see we are really not that different. It can allow us to show God’s power working in our lives.

To be relevant in our world we must stop pretending and face life with authenticity.

What can you do today to be true to yourself?

Don’t let the ideal of perfection rule you. You are free…
“Free To Be Me!”  http://youtu.be/EKSQjSdU8VA


Resources:
Loving Yourself for God’s Sake by Adolfo Quezada

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Healing Hurts :: SELF-HATRED

This idea of Self-Hatred sounds strange when you think about it. 

Who is going to admit, out loud, to another person, that they hate themselves? Some will, but not most. In fact, millions of women secretly do hate themselves. 

OK, we may not hate everything about ourselves. But can you honestly say you like more about yourself that you dislike? There was a time when my answer to that question was definitely no.

Self-hate often starts in childhood with negative messages spoken or unspoken by our family of origin. The culture, media and our peers encourage this monster who whispers the negative, critical words we hear over and over in our minds. Guilt and shame top it off till we’re overwhelmed with emotions and feelings; the pain becomes so deep it’s impossible to express it in words.

Is there no relief? No release?

What we do with this insidious pain will vary.

How will you act out the negativity rolling around in your head?

For some their self-hatred takes on non-direct, often hidden behaviors like extreme risk-taking, substance abuse, eating disorders, gambling, and promiscuity. For others their self-hatred is more direct and visible with self-harm acted out by skin cutting, skin branding, hair pulling or other forms of self-injury.

What can we say to those we know and love who struggle with this increasingly popular practice? 

How can we communicate to them that they truly deserve to be loved, not just by other people, but by God and most importantly by themselves?

Let’s start by watching these two videos below. I think they have all the answers we need.

God Loves YOU!  http://youtu.be/aLHsQF131HQ






God Loves YOU!  http://youtu.be/kcpQvqEVTlk

If you are reaching for hope and help, I urge you to contact a licensed Christian counselor in your area for personal assistance in overcoming this problem. If you don’t know where to find one, contact a pastor who can help you locate an expert. All the anxiety and problems you are facing can be overcome.